still going and growing

and another day has passed. my internet is still down so im in my car. classy.

its 12:25 wednesday night. i just got back from seeing the movie Cars with tim. it was amazing. seriously. so good. im amazed. and when i first saw the previews i was kinda disappointed in pixar, but wow, they blew me away with this one. though i dont know if its one that i would want to watch again and again, like some of their others.

im so glad that tim suggested we go see the movie. it took my mind off things for 2 hours. which was so refreshing. in those two hours, i dont know if the rape even crossed my mind. which is the longest time span other than while im asleep.

the support of my friends continues to amaze me. a lot of people have been asking me how i am doing. i give them an honest answer and tell them that i think i am handling things really well. and that despite how horrible this all is, i have never felt so much love. never imagined i could experience so much love. i am so glad that i have been open about this all. everyone is so genuinely concerned and supportive, and i know that without all this help, i couldn't honestly answer people that i am good.

so far the only major changes i have noticed in myself are positive, that i am growing from this. (obviously there are some negatives, but minor thus far) i think i am more level headed or something because all of this. and i am loving myself more. i already had a healthy level of self-confidence, but i know i am growing even more. that and ive been sitting with my legs crossed a lot more. or least i think so...

a day later

its 12:07 tuesday night/wednesday morning and my bootleg internet isnt working, so i will post this later.

i think i am handling things well. but sometimes i wonder if i am handling it too well-- as in a form of avoidance or something. but i think i am just staying level-headed and logical.

i spent most of the day yesterday at the police station. gave them my bloody skirt and told the whole story too many times. while i was with an officer giving my super-detailed synopsis of my entire night, dude texts me, “did we mess around?” weird, right? after the day before he told me we didnt have sex. the officer also thought that was super weird.

when i left the station, the detective told me he’d be calling dude in a few minutes. and that they would tell him not to have any contact with me. about 20 minutes later i get a phone call from dude. obviously i dont answer. so he calls again. i still dont answer. i leave my house. within an hour, i got 4 calls with two voicemails and 3 text messages. apparently he wants me to call him and said he doesnt know whats going on. the fourth call i answered because it showed up on caller id as “restricted” and i thought it might be the detective calling me back because i had left a message about dude calling me. i hung up on dude as soon as he said his name.

naturally, i freaked out a bit. a bit stalkerish. and he was at my house 2 months ago,but he might not remember where i live since a lot of places look the same. as much as it sucked getting those phone calls and texts, im kind of glad because it makes him look bad. if i can take this to court, hopefully it will help. rape cases hardly ever go anywhere.

i was a bit nervous last night but i am calm now. i had friends with me all night last night. been doing a lot of that. i think thats best. not “going out” but just hanging out. dinner. movies. etc. and tomorrow night i finally get to go see ‘cars’ which obviously im stoked about. little things to look forward to.

as much as my situation sucks, its not that bad because i have the best support group i could ever ask for. i am an open person and have been open about the rape to just about anyone except my parents and most of the family. for me, i think its important to be open about this because its natural for me to be open. and because i have been open about this, i have recieved amazing amounts of support from my friends. i know i have said many many times that i have the most amazing friends in the world, but this is such a testament. the love i have been experiencing is exactly what i need right now and i am so very grateful to have so much.

my biggest fear became a reality

i wrote this last night as a word document. i wasnt sure if i wanted to post it at the time, but here it is..

its 1:12 am monday june 19.

im laying in bed nauseaus. im writing this because i think it might be an important thing for me to do.

i just got back from the hospital a few hours ago. i found out that i was raped friday night. by an acquaintance.

i dont remember it, which i am so grateful of. i know that there is a chance that i will experience some recollections some day, but i pray that i dont. but if i do, i pray that i remember at a time that i can handle it.

i was just reading the statistics online. i am now part of that statistic. 1 in 6 american women to have been a victim of attempted or completed rape. originally i didnt want to report it, but now i am certain that i do. and i texted my friend a few minutes ago to make sure that i dont talk myself out of reporting him to the police. and i told her to save that message to show me incase i try to change my mind.

From the RAINN website:
What Happens to Rapists When They Are Caught and Prosecuted?
61% of rapes/sexual assaults are not reported to the police. Those rapists, of course, never serve a day in prison according to the 2003 National Crime Victimization Study.
• If the rape is reported to police, there is a 50.8% chance that an arrest will be made.
• If an arrest is made, there is an 80% chance of prosecution.
• If there is a prosecution, there is a 58% chance of a felony conviction.
• If there is a felony conviction, there is a 69% chance the convict will spend time in jail.
• So, even in the 39% of attacks that are reported to police, there is only a 16.3% chance the rapist will end up in prison.
• Factoring in unreported rapes, about 6% of rapists—1 out of 16— will ever spend a day in jail. 15 out of 16 will walk free.


When i woke up the next morning at his house, I wasnt suspicious. it wasnt until late saturday night and especially today that i became suspicious. pain and soreness and blood. i wont go into medical and gross.

i left his apartment in a hurry because i had to get to work. i still had my skirt and shirt on, but found my underwear on the floor and put them in my purse. i know i was still drunk. tonite after the hospital i was pretty bummed that i didnt put my underwear back on, because evidence probably would have rubbed off on them. but then just before my friend came over tonite, i looked at the skirt i was wearing and fortunately, my (expensive BCBG) skirt has blood in the lining. and some of the dried blood isnt as dark, which leads me to believe it was mixed with his semen. so it looks like i have evidence. and i will be taking that to the police in the morning. and i am ready for them to treat me like a stupid drunk girl. i already got that treatment from the insensitive bitch at the hospital reception. yeah, she was a woman (who the nurse later told me has four daughters of her own) judged me for getting raped. fuck that shit. way to be a woman... solidarity what? i filed a complaint, which will be followed up on too.

i want shane (yep that his name) to be part of that 16.3% of reported rapists (and 6% of total rapists) that ends up in prison. no one should feel the pain and the bleeding that i am currently enduring. and the nauseau and headache from all the pills they gave me. im just so grateful that i cant remember the actual act. but pics were taken of my torn and bruised vagina. and i have my bloody skirt. and he needs to go to prison and be on a list of sex offenders for the rest of his life.

oh yeah and we were texting today and i was acting all casual as if i was nonethewiser. and i asked him if we had sex and he straight up responded no. so i even gave him the chance to tell me. he could have played it off like we did and i wanted to. not that i would have believed him. but he could have tried.

im nauseus. the nurse gave me a lot of pills. i need to sleep.

Stolen Peonies

Last night on my walk home from the bars, I had mandi join me in picking my neighbors' peonies. Actually she just kind of hung out and laughed while I picked. I had the route home all figured out as to where we could find the maximum amount of peonies without having to pick more than 2 from any single plant. this block to that block to this alley... so now i have them in a vase next to my bed. they smell amazing and i pretty much dont want to leave my bed until they die. i love peonies.

four and a half years

im so over being single right now. i wont care tomorrow, but right now i wish i had me a cuddle buddy.

racing

my mind is racing. decisions are complicated.

this week marks 1 year since i came home from california. and i think that means its time i do something with my life. career. and a few options have been flying at me this last week. but decisions are tough. i need to think about whats important and where i want to be. if i want to stay in milwaukee or if i am open to move again. and of course the weathers been great lately, so i am loving my life and loving milwaukee, so change isnt as appealling right now.

i shall see.

i will update more later. very vague, i know, but my mind is racing too much and i just need to slow it down. cocktails?

fortune

from my fortune cookie at dinner tonite:

the object of your desire comes closer.

making me proud

I was lurking around my little cousin's myspace profile tonite. I do this fairly regularly. And i guess she's not that little any more, shes 17 and quickly approaching her senior year of high school. Not so little. But since I never had a sister, I look to her and her 20 year old sister as my little sisters. But I have a particularly good relationship with her, Kelsey. We have a lot in common and I feel a healthy connection. And she makes me proud.

I read her lastest myspace blogs. She wrote about her desires for more in life. to go somewhere unfamilar and to sumberge herself in a state of struggle as a means of growth. she wrote of her desires to travel and experience more of what life has to offer. about how she's been drilled to think "practically." As i was reading her entry, I was so proud of her. and as i read on, i saw my name. and she wrote:


...just leave and travel, not worry about the little things that tie me done. i admire my cousin jenny so much, she has no idea. she doesn't just sit and talk about how she wants to see the world like i do. instead, she actually goes there. i wish i was just as outgoing as she is and less cautious as i am. then maybe my dreams could come true....


reading this means the world to me. lately a decent amount of people have been telling me how much they admire me. it feels great. as my parents (and myself, too) get down on me for not doing anything with my life, for working at a makeup counter at a deparment store when i finished college cum laude. when i was "that smart kid" growing up. when i was involved in almost every cocurricular activity in high school. yeah. but then again, I was so unhappy. depressed. wanting to die on a regular basis. wishing for death isnt all that great.

but right now, i am genuinely happy. sure, i wouldnt mind having some more money, falling in love, and having my best friend live here rather than across the country. i know i cant survive off my retail pay check for the rest of my life. but right now life feels good. and even though i may not be "successful" in my parents' and society's idea of the term, I think I am successful. Success need not be measured on a monetary level. If i can inspire people, instill admiration in people, be that person for my friends to lean on in times of need, to be a compassionate and loving person-- i think thats what really is what "success" is all about. I may not be monetarily wealthy right now, but I am wealthy in so many other ways. and if i wanted to sarcifice other happiness, i know that i can find monetary wealth. i know i have it in me to succeed, even when such "success" is based on a monetary scale. but for right now, my life is good. even if im usually broke-ish.

and im glad that my cousin can admire me. thats success.

attention, or lackthereof

interesting how i can go out to bar after bar, club after club and get almost every guy to pay me attention. but the one guy i want attention from keeps failing to buy a plane ticket and give me some of that attention. keeps saying he wants to come here, but isnt acting on those words. i dont think he fully grasps the whole thing, because if he did, he'd be here right now, asking to tuck me in. instead of some (super fine, like the hottest guy i could ever imagine getting) guy calling me, asking if he could tuck me in. yeah. (i said no)