making me proud

I was lurking around my little cousin's myspace profile tonite. I do this fairly regularly. And i guess she's not that little any more, shes 17 and quickly approaching her senior year of high school. Not so little. But since I never had a sister, I look to her and her 20 year old sister as my little sisters. But I have a particularly good relationship with her, Kelsey. We have a lot in common and I feel a healthy connection. And she makes me proud.

I read her lastest myspace blogs. She wrote about her desires for more in life. to go somewhere unfamilar and to sumberge herself in a state of struggle as a means of growth. she wrote of her desires to travel and experience more of what life has to offer. about how she's been drilled to think "practically." As i was reading her entry, I was so proud of her. and as i read on, i saw my name. and she wrote:


...just leave and travel, not worry about the little things that tie me done. i admire my cousin jenny so much, she has no idea. she doesn't just sit and talk about how she wants to see the world like i do. instead, she actually goes there. i wish i was just as outgoing as she is and less cautious as i am. then maybe my dreams could come true....


reading this means the world to me. lately a decent amount of people have been telling me how much they admire me. it feels great. as my parents (and myself, too) get down on me for not doing anything with my life, for working at a makeup counter at a deparment store when i finished college cum laude. when i was "that smart kid" growing up. when i was involved in almost every cocurricular activity in high school. yeah. but then again, I was so unhappy. depressed. wanting to die on a regular basis. wishing for death isnt all that great.

but right now, i am genuinely happy. sure, i wouldnt mind having some more money, falling in love, and having my best friend live here rather than across the country. i know i cant survive off my retail pay check for the rest of my life. but right now life feels good. and even though i may not be "successful" in my parents' and society's idea of the term, I think I am successful. Success need not be measured on a monetary level. If i can inspire people, instill admiration in people, be that person for my friends to lean on in times of need, to be a compassionate and loving person-- i think thats what really is what "success" is all about. I may not be monetarily wealthy right now, but I am wealthy in so many other ways. and if i wanted to sarcifice other happiness, i know that i can find monetary wealth. i know i have it in me to succeed, even when such "success" is based on a monetary scale. but for right now, my life is good. even if im usually broke-ish.

and im glad that my cousin can admire me. thats success.