If heaven will have you, someone will have you.

It was warm out today. And sunny for awhile. Made me happy. Alive.

Life is great. Wonderful. I am filled with amazement, excitement, and wonder. But I feel these emotions and experiences should be shared. Life is not meant to be experienced alone. There is a season to be alone, and its a very important part of life that too many people miss. After over four years, four years that I will forever be grateful, I think I'm about ready for that season to come to an end.


companionship
n : the state of being with someone; "he missed their company"; "he enjoyed the society of his friends" [syn: company, fellowship, society]

I want to be in a state of being with someone. I have the most amazing friends ever, and I am truly grateful for that. But I miss Lindsey. And Adrienne. Especially Adrienne.

We talked on the phone today. For 24 minutes. We both want to be near each other. She always gets me thinking of moving. But I am pleased with the life I am (re)building for myself in Milwaukee. San Francisco is great. In a few years she will be in NYC. I always imagined myself going straight to NY after college, never would I have guessed that I'd go to San Francisco. But Milwaukee is home. And its where I need to be.

But I need to not be broke-ish. I need to figure out where I am going with my life. A career. Or i need to find patience and peace in where I am at. Im going to my church tonite. The first time in almost 2 months. I've been pretty absent at church since December. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I value my indepence too much sometimes. Its one of the main reasons I haven't experienced that form of companionship that I long for. I am scared of giving up part of myself, part of my independence. And that is also the struggle that I face with my faith.

But sometimes I want to depend on someone other than myself.




When you make someone into a superhero
know that they will fly
and they will see right through you
they will burn so bright
that they will make you blind
yeah they will make you blind

agony

My weekend was like no other weekend I have ever experienced and I hope to never experience again.

Friday night I went to some coworkers' art show, then met up to celebrate Laura's birthday, then went with another friend to another bar to meet up with another friend.

Sounds like a good time, and indeed it was, until I blacked out. I'm certain someone drugged my drink. I remember leaving the bar with my friend Sarah, but thats my last memory. I don't remember the ride home or being home. I have one faint memory of laying on my floor but not being able to get up. I don't know where in my apartment I was, but I do know that I was on the floor.

I woke up a little after 11:00 on Saturday and felt the remnants of vomit in my nose and throat. I hadn't thrown up since I was 16 and had food poisoning. Before that I was 4 with the flu. I don't throw up. I look at my phone and realize I'm supposed to be at work and my car is in Riverwest. I call Jayme and she comes and picks me up to take me to my car. I stumble out of my house toward her car, drop my gum and make repeated attempts to pick it up. I am wearing half of yesterday's outfit, which I slept in. I changed my underwear and pants. Jayme realizes that I really can't drive to work. So she drives me there. I am so messed up. And an hour late.

April put a bunch of blush, dark lipstick and bronzer on me to distract from my bright red eyes. I work with clients and sell a about $300, but I can't make it. I don't know whats going on. I'm trying so hard but I just can't. I start crying at a few points and dissappear so that I appear somewhat professional.

April offers to take me home when she gets off, which is 4 hours before I get off. So i work 3 hours, fill out paperwork to take vacation the rest of the day, and decide to sleep in April's car until she's off.

Felicia, my manager who has become one of my best friends over the years, walks me out to April's car. I am crying and shaking as we walk through the store. She ends up driving me to McDonalds in April's car. I slowly force the food down over the next hour and a half. Then April is done and takes me home. I find vomit in the corner of a room. I feel like I'm an animal, having vomitted in the corner. I find more in my sink. I clean it up, still nausios.

I lay on my futon and fade in and out of sleep as I watch TV for 3 hours. Then I take a bath. My head hurts more than it has ever hurt before. I get out of the tub scared that I might pass out and drown. I make a pizza, but the smell gets to me and I go back to the bathroom and take a nap on the bathroom floor.

When my friends call me, I can hardly talk because I get too nauseous. I just want the day to be over. I fall asleep for good a little after midnight, still extremely messed up and nauseous.

Sunday morning I call a cab to drive me to my car and I head off to work, hungry and dehydrated. But I make it to work and am feeling much better.

Now its Tuesday and I am still a bit freaked out by all of this, but glad that I am okay. And glad that Sarah got me home and nothing bad happened to me. I called her Saturday and she felt really bad, she had no idea I was that bad. And I know she didn't know because she would not have left me alone. But yeah, moral of the story, watch your drinks.

birthdays

Well my birthday week is coming to an end, but Adrienne's is just beginning. The clock just turned midnight, so if Adrienne was here, it would be her birthday now.

Birthday week started out a bit rough, but ended wonderfully. I just got home from the Belle and Sebastian show. Adam took me as my birthday present. And he made me a birthday mix titled "photo jenny." (which b&s did not play tonite..) and ironically enough, "photo jenny" just came on my stereo. miss jayme made me a mix cd of "jenny" songs. track three is "photo jenny."

The Belle and Sebastian show was amazing. And by random chance, we sat behind davey. ahh my love. his wife has a baby in her belly though. good for them. B&S closed with my favourite song, "me and the major." i had a blast. and i also had a blast celebrating the last two nights. drinking way too many shots of jameson.. oh well, such is life. im looking forward to not having a hangover tomorrow. two days in a row is enough for me.

Mom and I had a massage yesterday. something we both needed. and fish fry with the family. then palomino with friends and booty-shaking at mad planet.

Thursday night was Cans with Sha and April, then Redroom with the other coworkers. and lots of jameson, two beers, and a birthday martini. And some booty-shaking.

Tommorrow is the end of the birthday celebrating. I have a date. Thursday night at redroom, in my drunken state, I met a boy that seems interesting. I told him that he can make me dinner sunday. and so he called me yesterday to wish me a happy birthday and follow up on the dinner plans. I don't remember much from our Thursday night conversation, so it will be like meeting him all over again haha. I also told him he can make me a birthday mix cd and he told me yesterday that he's making it. That will be nice after a weird last couple of months with a certain boy that resulted in me being rejected for the first time since andy pekarske freshman year of high school.

Speaking of exes, i got a call from another friend yesterday that i havent talked to since his wedding last fall. there was some confusion about a mix cd and mean mean things were said. but i was given an apology yesterday, accompanied with birthday wishes.

Oh and another ex had a baby last week. Weird.

Ok time to call adrienne!

snow!

(from last night)

It snowed tonite. And I was happy about it. Its warm, any warmer and the snow would be rain. So I am okay with it. Its that wet snow. The snow that sticks to everything, including tree branches, making the world (or at least my neighborhood) a prettier place.

I walked to Sheena's tonite, a bottle of Chardonnay in hand, to watch the Oscars with her and miss Jayme. Jayme offered me a ride home, but i wanted to walk. I wanted to keep walking, not stop at home so soon. I love my Sunday night walks. The city sleeps early on Sunday nights and I feel like the world is mine. And a warm and beautiful night to walk. Plus its the beginning of my birthday week! But instead I came home.But before I came inside, I shoveled my sidewalk. And then continued down the sidewalk of my neighbors' on each side of me. I like to shovel for them. I think its a nice thing to do for someone you don't even know. I wonder if they ever realized that I am the mystery shoveler. I like to think that they smile and feel relieved when they realize that they dont have to shovel. Its nice staying anonymous because this way I never have to find out if they really don't appreciate my little gifts of a snow-free sidewalk, and I can keep on believing that I am making strangers happy.

On that note, I hear my bed calling my name. I have been cheating on my bed a lot lately with my futon (and even miss jayme's bed and adam's couch) Its time i spend more time with my bed and give it some lovin'-- in a non-sexual kinda way...