christmas eve 2006
Its not really technically christmas eve anymore, as its already 12:15, but since i have not fallen asleep yet, i will just believe it to be christmas eve.
a year ago today my grandmother died. it was the most recent family death, which is a relief since we lost three grandparents last year. i wore her necklace to work today. and i got a lot of compliments on it, which really made me happy. And i like to think it would make her happy to know that. Its a really pretty necklace and sparkles a lot-- a good holiday necklace since everyone should know that i like sparkles at christmas. shimmer all over my eyes and cheeks and lips!
after work i came out to richfield and spent time with my parents, brother, and new sister-in-law. also tonight my aunt and uncle and younger cousins came over to my parents house. they arent that young any more. i helped one bring in her 21st birthday this week. and the other just shared the news that she has been accepted to NYU for next year. one of 36 accepted to her program. so proud of her. and proud that she wants to get out of wisconsin and see and experience more.
after they left i was laying on the couch while the others were in the kitchen and such. and i got to thinking. my brother and his wife are having a baby in june, so of course that means a lot is going to change. and i realized that this will be the last christmas like this. from now on there will be kid(s) running around too. its exciting, and i know it will be a lot of fun, but that doesnt mean i dont struggle with change. i know change is a part of life and it brings color to life, but still i am sentimental and have a hard time dealing with change. i am scared to grow up. i am excited to, but scared. i havent really had to grow up yet. in many ways, yes. heck, i became a counter manager again this month and am faced with more professional responsibilty than ever before-- even more so that in california. but i am excited about it and although it is stressing me out and making caffeine a dietarty requirement lately. i am doing great at my new job and getting a lot of recognition for it from many different people. it feels good to get noticed for my efforts and successes. but i still miss my old job and the environment and my friends there, but i am growing up and changing- this new job is progress.
and the new year is fast approaching. and i look forward to it. forward to newness. freshness. although some of the best times of my life were this year-- prague, thailand, realizing the depths of my friendships, and many more highlights or the year-- this year has also been very hard. my year in california was really hard. maybe harder, i dont know. i grew so much through that all and it was definately a constant struggle. and dealing with three deaths of people close to me was definately hard and forced me to grow a lot too.
but this year was also hard, just in different ways. i feel like last year i grew up a lot and learned a lot, which prepared me a bit for this year where i would have to use the strengths ive grown, in order to deal with the little stressors in life that go with growing up. a shitty landlord that have caused me incredible amounts of frustration. financial issues and finding that right balance between being wise and having fun and how having fun can be wise. but also the rape. and dealing with that. and wondering if i am dealing with it. and then realizing that i am dealing wiht it in my own way. and realizing how awesome my friends are. and how much they appreciate me. knowing myself and my strength so much more than ever before. i have always known i am a very strong and independent and self-respecting girl, but i am knowing this even more. and i am getting so much more validation from friends. so often people that i know-- not just friends but casual acquaintences-- are telling me about how much they respect and their various reasons. also the compliments on my external self. how many people tell me i am pretty or beautiful. i think the beauty is also an external manifestation of my warmth, mixed with compassion and confidence.
even though i have a constant feeling of being lost, i am proud of who i am. i know i have a lot of areas in myself that i need to improve-- including my church attendence and Bible-reading time-- but yeah, i think i am on the right track in life and in discovering myself. im 24, going on 25. its the time i should be going through that quarter-life crisis and i am okay with that. its all part of change and growing up. and lifes going to keep on changing and i need to just keep on taking it all in.
a year ago today my grandmother died. it was the most recent family death, which is a relief since we lost three grandparents last year. i wore her necklace to work today. and i got a lot of compliments on it, which really made me happy. And i like to think it would make her happy to know that. Its a really pretty necklace and sparkles a lot-- a good holiday necklace since everyone should know that i like sparkles at christmas. shimmer all over my eyes and cheeks and lips!
after work i came out to richfield and spent time with my parents, brother, and new sister-in-law. also tonight my aunt and uncle and younger cousins came over to my parents house. they arent that young any more. i helped one bring in her 21st birthday this week. and the other just shared the news that she has been accepted to NYU for next year. one of 36 accepted to her program. so proud of her. and proud that she wants to get out of wisconsin and see and experience more.
after they left i was laying on the couch while the others were in the kitchen and such. and i got to thinking. my brother and his wife are having a baby in june, so of course that means a lot is going to change. and i realized that this will be the last christmas like this. from now on there will be kid(s) running around too. its exciting, and i know it will be a lot of fun, but that doesnt mean i dont struggle with change. i know change is a part of life and it brings color to life, but still i am sentimental and have a hard time dealing with change. i am scared to grow up. i am excited to, but scared. i havent really had to grow up yet. in many ways, yes. heck, i became a counter manager again this month and am faced with more professional responsibilty than ever before-- even more so that in california. but i am excited about it and although it is stressing me out and making caffeine a dietarty requirement lately. i am doing great at my new job and getting a lot of recognition for it from many different people. it feels good to get noticed for my efforts and successes. but i still miss my old job and the environment and my friends there, but i am growing up and changing- this new job is progress.
and the new year is fast approaching. and i look forward to it. forward to newness. freshness. although some of the best times of my life were this year-- prague, thailand, realizing the depths of my friendships, and many more highlights or the year-- this year has also been very hard. my year in california was really hard. maybe harder, i dont know. i grew so much through that all and it was definately a constant struggle. and dealing with three deaths of people close to me was definately hard and forced me to grow a lot too.
but this year was also hard, just in different ways. i feel like last year i grew up a lot and learned a lot, which prepared me a bit for this year where i would have to use the strengths ive grown, in order to deal with the little stressors in life that go with growing up. a shitty landlord that have caused me incredible amounts of frustration. financial issues and finding that right balance between being wise and having fun and how having fun can be wise. but also the rape. and dealing with that. and wondering if i am dealing with it. and then realizing that i am dealing wiht it in my own way. and realizing how awesome my friends are. and how much they appreciate me. knowing myself and my strength so much more than ever before. i have always known i am a very strong and independent and self-respecting girl, but i am knowing this even more. and i am getting so much more validation from friends. so often people that i know-- not just friends but casual acquaintences-- are telling me about how much they respect and their various reasons. also the compliments on my external self. how many people tell me i am pretty or beautiful. i think the beauty is also an external manifestation of my warmth, mixed with compassion and confidence.
even though i have a constant feeling of being lost, i am proud of who i am. i know i have a lot of areas in myself that i need to improve-- including my church attendence and Bible-reading time-- but yeah, i think i am on the right track in life and in discovering myself. im 24, going on 25. its the time i should be going through that quarter-life crisis and i am okay with that. its all part of change and growing up. and lifes going to keep on changing and i need to just keep on taking it all in.
posted by j at 10:14 PM
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